You Are 3! You LOVE Superhero's and defeating baddies. You are VERY funny and VERY kind. I am VERY lucky to know you and be a part of your life. You had a great Superhero birthday in Centennial Park, with all your friends dressed up and running around. We had Superman Cake and Batman Cake and you got sooooooo many toys! As you went to bed you said "Thanks for my birthday mum." Made me feel very proud indeed. Thank you darling for being the coolest dude I know. MWA x

We're back. We've been back for a couple of months now and our great adventure seems like a distant memory. We have slid nicely into our new routine, pre-school, Tuesdays at Aunty Edrei's and Friday Football. You are all little boy and no more Toddler - you've even had a big boy haircut and goto the Swanies games with your Uncle Bill. Our trip was excellent and we achieved all we hoped to and more. You were easy peasy to potty train and you took to the swimming pool with gusto! You now jump in backwards happily as long as you have your arm bands on. I couldn't be more proud of you. We rode an elephant, saw crocodiles, snakes, scorpions, went to a water slide park, rowed around a man made lake in a kayak, slept in a tree house and flew around the bay on a jet ski! You were a terrific little traveller and just got involved in it all. You weren't very impressed with the mummified monk and didn't really notice the gleaming golden Buddha's but you were a little champ at traversing a hundred hot, sweaty markets in Bangkok and Koh Samui. You tried all the food and minded your P's and Q's Thai style with a little bow and a Kap un Kap. Spain and Portugal with Grandpa, Uncle Geoff and Elin were a hoot - we met old friends and made new ones in both countries. You loved hanging with Harry in London and got to play in snow for the first time. You picked up some 'interesting' language and habits from our friend Dylanito in Thailand and now have a penchant for Ninjas, Daggers, Sub-Machine Guns, Bullets and Death BUT since we've been back you've already mellowed on the death and destruction talk which is reassuring for me as your mum. We had so much fun together darling - perhaps we didn't dance as much as I would have liked but we hung out and talked about the world together and as I'd hoped I had nothing but time for you. Here's to our next big adventure and all of our daily adventures. Love you bub.

Sonny Moe and I will soon be heading off on a great adventure! We're going to see Grandpa in Spain for Christmas. Sonny will meet all our Spanish friends and family for the first time which I'm really looking forward to. Then we head off to Thailand for a beach break for over a month. Yipee! I'm so looking forward to spending that time uninterrupted and unencumbered with my shortie. To be present with him from moment to moment with no where that we have to be and nothing that we have to do. We're hoping to build sandcastles, learn to swim, say goodbye to napppies, collect shells, play in the dirt, make new friends, sing very loud and dance often. When we get back he's off to pre-school already. Time flies.

MORAL MAZE Babies from a test tube? In Vitro Fertilisation, more commonly known as IVF, is a process that has been around for over 30 years with the first successful pregnancy and birth of a “test tube baby” being in 1978 by Robert G. Edwards, who was later awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine in 2010. As well as the amazing things that IVF can do for a family there are still many ethical issues surrounding this medical wonder. I’m sure many of you have heard about IVF and other new methods of falling pregnant but do you actually know what it involves and what the risks are? The process of IVF happens when an egg is fertilised by sperm outside of the body. The fertilised egg (zygote) is then transferred back into the uterus of the patient, hopefully resulting in a successful pregnancy. This process can help many infertile couples when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. IVF can also be used with donor eggs to assist same sex couples and single individuals. During the process of IVF the freezing and often discarding of unused embryos is usually included. This raises many issues for individual, cultural or religious reasons. For many, an embryo constitutes a life and the freezing or discarding of any life, if it it is seen as such, is obviously controversial, if not considered downright wrong, a sin even. Another topic highly debated is the chance of multiple pregnancies when using IVF and what results because of this. When multiple births are an option, many people choose to have a partial abortion so as to only have one child. Even if you don’t have to choose or don’t have a partial abortion the process of embryo freezing most likely results in some discarded embryos. This could be argued to be complete disregard for and abuse of the miracle of life. Another issue is the chance of a laboratory mix-up, including mislabeled gametes or the transferring of the wrong embryos to a woman’s womb. This happened to a woman in California who received the embryo of another couple and was only notified of this mistake after the birth of her son. This case did, however, lead to many authorities and individual clinics implementing procedures to minimise the risk of such mix-ups. The HFEA (Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority), for example, requires clinics to use a double witnessing system, where the identity of a specimen must be checked by two people at each point in the specimen’s transferal. The ethical question however is, if this is not an absolutely failsafe process, how can it be allowed? The chances of a mix up, if at all possible, lead to the most complicated of situations - a woman carrying another couple’s child. It is understandable that toying with nature in this way can raise serious dilemmas for many people. An error such as the above is indeed frightening to contemplate and so, many do feel that it is not the place of medicine to play God, especially in the field of reproduction. There are also many risks concerned with IVF treatment that can result in abnormalities and life long illnesses. In 2000 Keeden was born following IVF treatment and shortly after suffered a massive stroke resulting in loosing the ability to ever walk, talk or go to the toilet. Keeden suffers from a rare blood clotting condition knows as antithrombin deficiency and his parents were not told that there was a 50 per cent chance that their child could have this defective gene. Keeden’s mother says about this: ''We love Keeden now that he's here, but if we had the right information and the right options we wouldn't have gone ahead with the birth, not in the way we did,'' Although this process can positively change someone’s life it can also dramatically change someone’s life not always for the better. A major ethical issue is the concern that people will try to change the traits of their unborn children using pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. Many people object to the argument that the doctors and parents are trying to ‘play God’ but in effect, toying with Nature in this way does suggest that the argument has some truth. Even setting to one side the process of picking the traits of the un-born child there is the process of finding the embryos that are most likely to succeed to this end, that results in the discarding of “bad” embryos. Should humans really be allowed to choose the ‘type’ of life produced? Another frequent objection is against women who are healthy and able to naturally conceive who freeze their embryos and delay pregnancy until a more convenient time. This process is usually used for when someone is about to undergo a treatment for a serious illness, for example, chemotherapy. But this treatment has been abused in the past as some people believe that the younger the embryo the more successful it will be, allowing a person to see through their career for example, until it is convenient for them to have a child conceived when they were younger and healthier. I think that IVF is an extraordinary process, which has allowed thousands of people all across the world to achieve things that otherwise would never be possible. Knowing someone who has gone through the process of IVF, I couldn’t imagine the world without the person who came from this process. My auntie underwent the process of IVF as a single mother with donor sperm and now has a two-year-old son. He hangs off me as I write this very article and it makes me think about how many people across the globe are blessed with this gift of life from this amazing technology. While there are questions raised by the procedure and issues that should be controlled very carefully in my opinion, there are also plenty of people in the world who get pregnant without thinking or caring that much about what they are doing. It seems to me that the processes and journey a person has to go through to have a child by IVF (my own auntie filled in a huge number of forms and underwent psychological testing before she was allowed to undertake the process) makes IVF less of an issue in many ways than unconsidered or badly motivated natural pregnancies. My niece wrote this piece for her Religious Education Assignment - needless to say I am so proud of her fantastic intelligent and eloquent pros and then I cried and cried and cried at her beautiful words about Sonny and I.

We can have conversations now..... thats so exciting! To listen to him string words together, to tell me about his day, things that happened, things that made him laugh. What a god damn delight it is. He is by far the greatest company I've had the pleasure of living with. His morning cuddles and innocent 'Hi Mum' the moment his eyes open. Hi personal jibber jabber when he's playing in his cot or with his toys. He's just such a bloody delight. He is also precocious and determined and stubborn and dilly dally's ALL the time but that comes with the toddler turf. Deep breaths help in that department. I'm so lucky, so blessed, so thrilled to be his mum.

That's How Much.

I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to get to be a mum to this marvellous little boy. Just saying, I'm not taking it for granted. I love him so much my heart feels tight and swollen and on the verge of happy tears at least twice a day. You know that moment when you are in bed after a long day, you put down your book cause your eyes are getting heavy with the promise of sleep, you turn off the light and then turn over spreading yourself out across the bed (one of the upsides to being single - the whole bed). That moment when you realise the pillowed mattress, wool skin protector, 1000 thread count white cotton sheets and thick cosy softness of your goose feathered duvet and pillows were worth every single expensive penny your mother spent on them. That moment when your body feels heavy and your breath is slow and deep and sleep is about to engulf you. In that moment, instead of surrendering myself to the delicious lure of slumber, I'll thrust myself out of bed, kickstarting my whole body in one lurch, pad across the cold floor shivering to make sure my little one is warm enough, remove all objects so he doesn't have a train or giraffe digging into his side or face during the night and pull up the blanket that he'll inevitably kick off again seconds later....... You go back to bed but can't recapture that moment again, your hearts pumping too hard from the split second exertion, the pillows just aren't quite right so you toss and turn punching and puffing them, you tick through all the other things you should or could got done now that he's asleep, you've busied your mind and your body that aches for sleep can't get back to that blissful moment............ Thats how much you love them. Sure there are alternative solutions to this - forward thinking and careful planning would mean I didn't have to ruin this blissful moment by securing his sate of sleep before I'm in that moment but thats parenting for you. There's rarely enough space and time for forward thinking and careful planning. You're brain doesn't actually work at full capacity anymore for starters. You grab every second of downtime with careless abandon (collapsing on your bed the minute he's in his cot). Whats more you'll happily sacrifice a thousand great moments for the safety, security and comfort of your child.

Danger, Danger, High Voltage!

Sometimes it feel dangerous to be too alive, to feel so alive that your nerves zing and your senses are heightened. Everything feels possible and overexciting and almost too much for your heart to bare. This is where drinking, smoking, meaningless sex and drugs come into play. Wild abandon, giving in, loosing yourself in the moment, no restraint, no control, no containment. Throwing yourself down a slippery slope cause you are unable to express the extent of your heightened and enormous feelings. Like the feelings are too big to fit in your body and need to find a way out. This is where I advocate the artist, we all have one in us, the writer, the poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer, the need to express yourself without talking. This need is great - it certainly is for me anyway. I'm thinking maybe exercise comes into play here too actually...... One day I will have a room - a room I can lock from the inside and no one can see inside. In this room I will dance with wild abandon, I will punch the air and writhe on the floor and kick my legs up. I will sing to my hearts content to the music of my choosing. I will express myself through movement. This process will release me, will release tension, will release the zing in my nerves. One day I will have a partner, I will love him and he will love me and we will make love. We will kiss and fuck and hug and smooch and spoon and this too will release tension and calm the zing in my nerves.

Grumble Grumble

I've been avoiding this blog. Partly because we are so busy with our fun filled lives but also because I know what I have to write about. I'd best just say it and be done with it..... I did an interview with the Good Weekend about Sperm Donation. I was very excited to contribute to a positive and empowering piece on what is an important and worthy subject. It has thus far been the greatest thing I've ever done and my beautiful boy is a daily reminder of what a great path it was to follow. Its something I'm incredibly proud of and feel that there are many women out there who might benefit from hearing stories about the reality of it..... Alas I was a little disappointed in the piece and a little in myself too. I didn't find the piece as positive and inspiring as I'd hoped, I feel it stood with one foot either side of a thin line and didn't take a stance one way or the other, I feel it used quotes that were questionable or provocative when it should have used the quotes that were proud, decisive and strong. I came off best from all the other women interviewed frankly but I still feel it was a bit meh with a topic that simply isn't meh at all. I feel it further marginalised an already marginalised bunch and well, frankly I'd hoped for more. BUT as my sister rightly pointed out Australian journalism isn't all that at the best of times so what did I expect. My disappointment in myself stemmed from my failure to do right by us when push came to shove. At the out start of the interview I made it very clear that I would like to check the copy that related to me only, so that I could be assured that there were no quotes in there that could be mis interpreted or in any way mis represented by my little man once he's big enough to read. By the time the article was about to be released (almost 6 months later) I felt over excited and if I'm honest a bit afraid to ask the journalist if I could please check my copy as discussed prior. So I let it go to print without checking it and there is a sentence in there that could hurt his feelings when he's older. Although that same sentence is also available to read on this blog, its in context here where it isn't in context in the article. He is/was/will always be my priority and I'm peeved at myself for letting that one slip through to avoid hassle in the short term. I will have had many conversations with my bub about all these things as he grows so I know this little wrinkle will have been ironed out by the time he reads this blog or that article but I'm still a little disappointed. A good lesson learnt in both instances. In other news.... on the eve of his 2nd birthday mr man is a chatty, active, funny dude. A real boy and a little bit accident prone (a few too many bumps and bruises already!) as he masters this walking, running, jumping malarki! We're planning a long break together early next year to hang out with one another before he's off to pre-school. he fills me with joy joy joy every day. Love it!

Its a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feelin........

We had a lovely Christmas holiday in Hardy's Bay with our friends and family.  You were a bloody champ and I fell in love with you all over again - I loved spending all that time with you Sonny - you're very fun.
Back to daycare today and that was a bit sad for us both  :-(
Its times like these that I wish I was a stay home mum. That I wish we had the financial security to go on holiday for longer and for me to be home with you all the time. I'm pretty sure its times like these (the end of the summer holidays) that everyone in the world wishes the same thing - longer holidays and more time at home with their families.....
Ce'st la vie and we're doing just great - we really have nothing to complain about.
Look forward to another great year with you bub.
Mum xx

Merry Christmas!

Sonny Moe you have filled my year with the most amounts of fun, laughter and warmth.  You are a really good kid.  You are kind and discerning and funny.  You are a quick learner and bright as a button.  Naturally I'm bias but a lot of other bias people agree with me so it must be true!
We've had a lot of fun together and you give the BEST cuddles.
Love you Cheeky Chops xx

MWA

Oh

.....I also read somewhere that the hardest thing about parenting is knowing when to say no and then sticking to it.......  couldn't agree more.

Still the beat goes on

Been a while since I felt I had anything valuable or interesting to write about.
There's all the usual, interrupted sleep, a poorly baby with tonsillitis, trying to loose weight, running out of easy and nutritious dinner ideas - all these things that even typing them makes me feel incredibly bored and mediocre.
Then there are some fun/interesting things like some great gigs I've seen for work, been getting out on dates with an interesting chap, holidays fast approaching......

Then there is the MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT of going 24hrs without breast-feeding.  Wowzers do my boobs hurt and oh my goodness gracious me do I feel BAD for my baby!  He looks at me with those big eyes as if to say "WTF lady!  This is our thing, this is what we do, those breasts are mine and that milk is for me!  What do you mean NO!!!"  then he gives off a blood curdling scream and throws himself onto the floor/couch/bed/chair with all the dramatics of a love lorn thespian. Its sooooo freakin sad.  All I can do is say "I'm sorry darling, I can see that you are really angry and sad about this but thats just how it is now."  it has made me think, I guess that's what growing up teaches you, to let something go and reach out for what's next.  To morn what you are leaving behind and then look forward to what's around the corner.  It has made me think perhaps I should grow up too.  Perhaps I should let go of the idea of mad passionate romantic love and look towards the steady, settled, comfort of companionship instead.

OR Should I?

Hard Knock Life

Being sleep deprived is really hard.
Being a parent is relentless.
Toddlers are very demanding!

This too shall pass....... and all too bloody quickly by the look of all the kids I know!  Where have those babies gone?  Where has my baby gone?  He's all toddler now.

Marching around busy, busy, busy throwing this there and shoving that here and pulling that down there and pushing this up here and hiding this and that, here and there.

I'd definitely like the company, someone to observe him with me and laugh with pride at his busy achievements.  But then I'd have liked someone with me before his arrival too, to laugh with pride at my busy achievements!

Wanting a shoulder rub, a pat on the back and an encouraging thumbs up is only natural.

Being alone in it is sometimes lonely.  Its a feeling that comes and then passes.  Its a feeling that sometimes comes even when you're not alone.  Being exhausted and tired is often mistaken for loneliness. 

Blogger

I'm out of the blogging closet.  I feel a bit naked and tentative, but also a little brave and relieved.

Ladies

Browsing through my emails today looking for a contact - I re-read this email I sent to my girlfriends before going ahead with sperm donation.  I think it encapsulates where I was at and my mind set at the time.  I can now state categorically that it was/is/has been by far the greatest idea I've ever had, but for anyone wondering why do this?  I think the below sums up my reasons why.......


 Hi Ladies,

So I'm going to go ahead with the first step of sperm donation and after a chat with xxx last night thought it was important to reach out to my chicas. I know that by doing this I am contributing in some way to some of my not somflattering character perceptions; that whacky kir! Crazy woman went out andnbought a baby! But though this may be the perception and though I can be held accountable for being one of the biggest contributors to this perception it is crucial that I know, my people and my chicas actually understand it.

Incase I need to spell it out I am overwhelmingly sad and devastated that I haven't yet had the chance to try creating a baby out of love, I have always wanted the fairytale and still hope to one day get it. I am crushed not to be able to share every thought and nuance about the miracle of children with a partner in life. I'm gutted I don't even get to shag a lot in practise! I am also afraid about them finding more lumps and or loosing my cervix.

Having spent a long time crying about both of the above I found myself in a place where I could dry my eyes, be pro-active, empower myself and take responsibility or thrust myself into some half arsed and makeshift relationship to get my baby dreams fulfilled against the clock.  I believe the former would be more responsible, even if super scary!

If any of you believe that this is because I have lost hope or trust in the universe/god providing, I can only say I'm still full of hope  and the universe/god has provided, provided the technology for me to try having a child without a loveless relationship. ;-) I could wait and trust/hope that the right man is around the next corner and we will get to know each other/fall madly in love and decide to start a family very quickly but having been single for over 6 years now I don't think my ticking clock will contribute to finding a healthy relationship and one day the right man will hopefully understand my decision.

I understand if there is a feeling that this is somehow unatural or,manufactured. I'm sure I'll be the first making the jokes about my expensive baby, fedexed from american in a frozen straw but as usual my jokes mask my sadness. I too would have prefered that it was natural.

So I need you girls to know that, to know me and to know this was not an easy or desirable decision to make and wether you agree with it or not back me up ladies! I'll need you.

It may not work, it may be a disaster and it maybe that the world doesn't intend for me to have babies, but I'm most certainly going to try!

It will most certainly be hard, difficult, tiering, frightening, annoying, irritating, expensive, restrictive etc etc etc but I witness you with your kids and I know it will be equally beautiful, rewarding, magical, hilarious and amazing as well.

I hope I have your support but mostly I hope I have your understanding and respect.... God knows I'll need the back up!

Love you locas

Kir

Fathers Day

It's fathers day this weekend here in Oz. We're like the US not the UK calendar wise.
I didn't have the presence of mind last year to notice it but now that Sonny actually sleeps for more than 2hrs in a row I'm aware that it's fathers day.

How will Fathers Days bode with us Sonny? Will we crash Uncle Bill or Uncle Aaron's parties? Will I tell your Childcare/pre-school teachers that you're still to make cards and craft gifts but for me? Aha, do I double up and get an extra mothers day? There's room to argue the justice in that...... But no, I think not. Do we save your Fathers day paraphernalia and one day hand it all to your biological father in a shoe box?

Perhaps by the time you're old enough to care there will be a father figure.

I think we'll take it one day at a time and talk about it together in age appropriate language when the moment arrives......

Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers out there including my own xx

Village People

I saw Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom and their beautiful baby today at a cafe here in Sydney. She's very tall.  He has a lovely smile. The baby's cute!

I had wondered why the service was so lax at this cafe and thought perhaps I didn't look like enough of a hipster to warrant good service and then once I spotted Orlando realized all the staff must have been  buzzing around their table with excitement  instead of taking our order.

Now I love a famous person as much as the next man, perhaps even a great deal more, not ashamed to admit it - the beautiful people fascinate me - I love trashy mags, I love popular culture and I LOVE the movies so famous people are all super cool to me...... but it got me thinking, as Orlando kissed the top of his babies head, that it can't be easy to do the whole new parent thing when your famous.

How do you join a parents group?  How do you start random chats in the park?  What about breast feeding in public places?  Or your kids first rigid tantrum as you try forcing them into the pram...... I shudder to think.....

They say it takes a village to raise a child, which I believe to be true. How hard is it for 'celebrities' to be a non invasive part of a village? For a start, which village?  They are always moving around! or maybe like celebrity rehab there's a village of famous new parents in all the 'hot' villages around the world.

Don't get me wrong. They're doing just dandy I'm sure and no doubt they have awesome family and friends who help out with all this kind of stuff - not to mention the hired help, but I'm just saying - maybe being a celebrity you miss out on the mediocre and the mundane, the awkward and the peculiar new parent stuff that is in fact ever so character building and rewarding.  Or better still, maybe as a celebrity you don't miss out on it - you just don't get the opportunity to go through it without some twit happy snapping your foibles on their iphone.

Doctor Doctor

I thought perhaps it was time I posted some links to help with some of the logistics of single parent fertility seeing as thats what my blog is meant to be about.

There are a number of clinics in Australia that do this kind of thing and its becoming more and more common thus easier and easier to find. I went through the great team @ Fertility East here in Sydney. http://www.fertilityeast.com.au/. They provide you with all the information you could possibly need as well as counseling and support groups.

This is where you can read the current legal jargon (naturally this is subject to change depending on government policy) http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/hospitals/phc/art.asp.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank my doctor, Dr Polly Peres who is sadly no longer practicing. She was almost entirely responsible for the whole event. She was ever so pro active about my wombs hospitality and helped me create a womb with a view boom! boom! She was also the one who removed my eggs, the docs at Fertility East inseminated them and then Dr Peres popped the right fertilized egg back. She impregnated me, and though it lacked romance, it certainly wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. Its thanks to her that Sonny is here today and I am forever in her debt for being so bloody terrific at her job. I hope that she knows how many lives she has brought into the world and how many lives she has improved because of it.

Walk Like an Egyptian

Yes you can walk! Perhaps not so much like an Egyptian but there is a mummified zombie stagger element to it at this early stage.

Being only 1 year, 2 months and 2 weeks old you won't understand the reference in this blog title so feast your eyes on this


Yes indeed - when your old Mum was only 13 this was a hit and I liked it! I preferred Manic Mondays by this same band but thats just me. I did Walk LIke an Egyptian on many a dancefloor during my youth and even well into my 30's.

You too can walk, like an wobbly mummy for now but soon with a hearty confidence then next thing you know there will be running, jumping and skipping. Here's hoping there aren't too many bumps.

Maybe one day you'll moonwalk! Imagine that! Both the real moon kind and the Michael Jackson kind!

Standing Sonny

Bubba - Look how much you've grown and how much of a dude you still are!
You make me laugh and smile and learn and grow and I feel ever so proud of us.
Sometimes you push all my buttons and make me grumpy! But thats not your fault, its just what sleep deprived people feel.
Soon I'll have to take the bull by the horns and deal with the whole crying sleep thing.
If its any consolation - it hurts me as much as it hurts you!

Love you angel, am ever so proud of you and love you to the moon and back
Mum xx