Its a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feelin........

We had a lovely Christmas holiday in Hardy's Bay with our friends and family.  You were a bloody champ and I fell in love with you all over again - I loved spending all that time with you Sonny - you're very fun.
Back to daycare today and that was a bit sad for us both  :-(
Its times like these that I wish I was a stay home mum. That I wish we had the financial security to go on holiday for longer and for me to be home with you all the time. I'm pretty sure its times like these (the end of the summer holidays) that everyone in the world wishes the same thing - longer holidays and more time at home with their families.....
Ce'st la vie and we're doing just great - we really have nothing to complain about.
Look forward to another great year with you bub.
Mum xx

Merry Christmas!

Sonny Moe you have filled my year with the most amounts of fun, laughter and warmth.  You are a really good kid.  You are kind and discerning and funny.  You are a quick learner and bright as a button.  Naturally I'm bias but a lot of other bias people agree with me so it must be true!
We've had a lot of fun together and you give the BEST cuddles.
Love you Cheeky Chops xx

MWA

Oh

.....I also read somewhere that the hardest thing about parenting is knowing when to say no and then sticking to it.......  couldn't agree more.

Still the beat goes on

Been a while since I felt I had anything valuable or interesting to write about.
There's all the usual, interrupted sleep, a poorly baby with tonsillitis, trying to loose weight, running out of easy and nutritious dinner ideas - all these things that even typing them makes me feel incredibly bored and mediocre.
Then there are some fun/interesting things like some great gigs I've seen for work, been getting out on dates with an interesting chap, holidays fast approaching......

Then there is the MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT of going 24hrs without breast-feeding.  Wowzers do my boobs hurt and oh my goodness gracious me do I feel BAD for my baby!  He looks at me with those big eyes as if to say "WTF lady!  This is our thing, this is what we do, those breasts are mine and that milk is for me!  What do you mean NO!!!"  then he gives off a blood curdling scream and throws himself onto the floor/couch/bed/chair with all the dramatics of a love lorn thespian. Its sooooo freakin sad.  All I can do is say "I'm sorry darling, I can see that you are really angry and sad about this but thats just how it is now."  it has made me think, I guess that's what growing up teaches you, to let something go and reach out for what's next.  To morn what you are leaving behind and then look forward to what's around the corner.  It has made me think perhaps I should grow up too.  Perhaps I should let go of the idea of mad passionate romantic love and look towards the steady, settled, comfort of companionship instead.

OR Should I?

Hard Knock Life

Being sleep deprived is really hard.
Being a parent is relentless.
Toddlers are very demanding!

This too shall pass....... and all too bloody quickly by the look of all the kids I know!  Where have those babies gone?  Where has my baby gone?  He's all toddler now.

Marching around busy, busy, busy throwing this there and shoving that here and pulling that down there and pushing this up here and hiding this and that, here and there.

I'd definitely like the company, someone to observe him with me and laugh with pride at his busy achievements.  But then I'd have liked someone with me before his arrival too, to laugh with pride at my busy achievements!

Wanting a shoulder rub, a pat on the back and an encouraging thumbs up is only natural.

Being alone in it is sometimes lonely.  Its a feeling that comes and then passes.  Its a feeling that sometimes comes even when you're not alone.  Being exhausted and tired is often mistaken for loneliness. 

Blogger

I'm out of the blogging closet.  I feel a bit naked and tentative, but also a little brave and relieved.

Ladies

Browsing through my emails today looking for a contact - I re-read this email I sent to my girlfriends before going ahead with sperm donation.  I think it encapsulates where I was at and my mind set at the time.  I can now state categorically that it was/is/has been by far the greatest idea I've ever had, but for anyone wondering why do this?  I think the below sums up my reasons why.......


 Hi Ladies,

So I'm going to go ahead with the first step of sperm donation and after a chat with xxx last night thought it was important to reach out to my chicas. I know that by doing this I am contributing in some way to some of my not somflattering character perceptions; that whacky kir! Crazy woman went out andnbought a baby! But though this may be the perception and though I can be held accountable for being one of the biggest contributors to this perception it is crucial that I know, my people and my chicas actually understand it.

Incase I need to spell it out I am overwhelmingly sad and devastated that I haven't yet had the chance to try creating a baby out of love, I have always wanted the fairytale and still hope to one day get it. I am crushed not to be able to share every thought and nuance about the miracle of children with a partner in life. I'm gutted I don't even get to shag a lot in practise! I am also afraid about them finding more lumps and or loosing my cervix.

Having spent a long time crying about both of the above I found myself in a place where I could dry my eyes, be pro-active, empower myself and take responsibility or thrust myself into some half arsed and makeshift relationship to get my baby dreams fulfilled against the clock.  I believe the former would be more responsible, even if super scary!

If any of you believe that this is because I have lost hope or trust in the universe/god providing, I can only say I'm still full of hope  and the universe/god has provided, provided the technology for me to try having a child without a loveless relationship. ;-) I could wait and trust/hope that the right man is around the next corner and we will get to know each other/fall madly in love and decide to start a family very quickly but having been single for over 6 years now I don't think my ticking clock will contribute to finding a healthy relationship and one day the right man will hopefully understand my decision.

I understand if there is a feeling that this is somehow unatural or,manufactured. I'm sure I'll be the first making the jokes about my expensive baby, fedexed from american in a frozen straw but as usual my jokes mask my sadness. I too would have prefered that it was natural.

So I need you girls to know that, to know me and to know this was not an easy or desirable decision to make and wether you agree with it or not back me up ladies! I'll need you.

It may not work, it may be a disaster and it maybe that the world doesn't intend for me to have babies, but I'm most certainly going to try!

It will most certainly be hard, difficult, tiering, frightening, annoying, irritating, expensive, restrictive etc etc etc but I witness you with your kids and I know it will be equally beautiful, rewarding, magical, hilarious and amazing as well.

I hope I have your support but mostly I hope I have your understanding and respect.... God knows I'll need the back up!

Love you locas

Kir