That's How Much.

I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to get to be a mum to this marvellous little boy. Just saying, I'm not taking it for granted. I love him so much my heart feels tight and swollen and on the verge of happy tears at least twice a day. You know that moment when you are in bed after a long day, you put down your book cause your eyes are getting heavy with the promise of sleep, you turn off the light and then turn over spreading yourself out across the bed (one of the upsides to being single - the whole bed). That moment when you realise the pillowed mattress, wool skin protector, 1000 thread count white cotton sheets and thick cosy softness of your goose feathered duvet and pillows were worth every single expensive penny your mother spent on them. That moment when your body feels heavy and your breath is slow and deep and sleep is about to engulf you. In that moment, instead of surrendering myself to the delicious lure of slumber, I'll thrust myself out of bed, kickstarting my whole body in one lurch, pad across the cold floor shivering to make sure my little one is warm enough, remove all objects so he doesn't have a train or giraffe digging into his side or face during the night and pull up the blanket that he'll inevitably kick off again seconds later....... You go back to bed but can't recapture that moment again, your hearts pumping too hard from the split second exertion, the pillows just aren't quite right so you toss and turn punching and puffing them, you tick through all the other things you should or could got done now that he's asleep, you've busied your mind and your body that aches for sleep can't get back to that blissful moment............ Thats how much you love them. Sure there are alternative solutions to this - forward thinking and careful planning would mean I didn't have to ruin this blissful moment by securing his sate of sleep before I'm in that moment but thats parenting for you. There's rarely enough space and time for forward thinking and careful planning. You're brain doesn't actually work at full capacity anymore for starters. You grab every second of downtime with careless abandon (collapsing on your bed the minute he's in his cot). Whats more you'll happily sacrifice a thousand great moments for the safety, security and comfort of your child.

Danger, Danger, High Voltage!

Sometimes it feel dangerous to be too alive, to feel so alive that your nerves zing and your senses are heightened. Everything feels possible and overexciting and almost too much for your heart to bare. This is where drinking, smoking, meaningless sex and drugs come into play. Wild abandon, giving in, loosing yourself in the moment, no restraint, no control, no containment. Throwing yourself down a slippery slope cause you are unable to express the extent of your heightened and enormous feelings. Like the feelings are too big to fit in your body and need to find a way out. This is where I advocate the artist, we all have one in us, the writer, the poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer, the need to express yourself without talking. This need is great - it certainly is for me anyway. I'm thinking maybe exercise comes into play here too actually...... One day I will have a room - a room I can lock from the inside and no one can see inside. In this room I will dance with wild abandon, I will punch the air and writhe on the floor and kick my legs up. I will sing to my hearts content to the music of my choosing. I will express myself through movement. This process will release me, will release tension, will release the zing in my nerves. One day I will have a partner, I will love him and he will love me and we will make love. We will kiss and fuck and hug and smooch and spoon and this too will release tension and calm the zing in my nerves.

Grumble Grumble

I've been avoiding this blog. Partly because we are so busy with our fun filled lives but also because I know what I have to write about. I'd best just say it and be done with it..... I did an interview with the Good Weekend about Sperm Donation. I was very excited to contribute to a positive and empowering piece on what is an important and worthy subject. It has thus far been the greatest thing I've ever done and my beautiful boy is a daily reminder of what a great path it was to follow. Its something I'm incredibly proud of and feel that there are many women out there who might benefit from hearing stories about the reality of it..... Alas I was a little disappointed in the piece and a little in myself too. I didn't find the piece as positive and inspiring as I'd hoped, I feel it stood with one foot either side of a thin line and didn't take a stance one way or the other, I feel it used quotes that were questionable or provocative when it should have used the quotes that were proud, decisive and strong. I came off best from all the other women interviewed frankly but I still feel it was a bit meh with a topic that simply isn't meh at all. I feel it further marginalised an already marginalised bunch and well, frankly I'd hoped for more. BUT as my sister rightly pointed out Australian journalism isn't all that at the best of times so what did I expect. My disappointment in myself stemmed from my failure to do right by us when push came to shove. At the out start of the interview I made it very clear that I would like to check the copy that related to me only, so that I could be assured that there were no quotes in there that could be mis interpreted or in any way mis represented by my little man once he's big enough to read. By the time the article was about to be released (almost 6 months later) I felt over excited and if I'm honest a bit afraid to ask the journalist if I could please check my copy as discussed prior. So I let it go to print without checking it and there is a sentence in there that could hurt his feelings when he's older. Although that same sentence is also available to read on this blog, its in context here where it isn't in context in the article. He is/was/will always be my priority and I'm peeved at myself for letting that one slip through to avoid hassle in the short term. I will have had many conversations with my bub about all these things as he grows so I know this little wrinkle will have been ironed out by the time he reads this blog or that article but I'm still a little disappointed. A good lesson learnt in both instances. In other news.... on the eve of his 2nd birthday mr man is a chatty, active, funny dude. A real boy and a little bit accident prone (a few too many bumps and bruises already!) as he masters this walking, running, jumping malarki! We're planning a long break together early next year to hang out with one another before he's off to pre-school. he fills me with joy joy joy every day. Love it!

Its a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feelin........

We had a lovely Christmas holiday in Hardy's Bay with our friends and family.  You were a bloody champ and I fell in love with you all over again - I loved spending all that time with you Sonny - you're very fun.
Back to daycare today and that was a bit sad for us both  :-(
Its times like these that I wish I was a stay home mum. That I wish we had the financial security to go on holiday for longer and for me to be home with you all the time. I'm pretty sure its times like these (the end of the summer holidays) that everyone in the world wishes the same thing - longer holidays and more time at home with their families.....
Ce'st la vie and we're doing just great - we really have nothing to complain about.
Look forward to another great year with you bub.
Mum xx

Merry Christmas!

Sonny Moe you have filled my year with the most amounts of fun, laughter and warmth.  You are a really good kid.  You are kind and discerning and funny.  You are a quick learner and bright as a button.  Naturally I'm bias but a lot of other bias people agree with me so it must be true!
We've had a lot of fun together and you give the BEST cuddles.
Love you Cheeky Chops xx

MWA

Oh

.....I also read somewhere that the hardest thing about parenting is knowing when to say no and then sticking to it.......  couldn't agree more.

Still the beat goes on

Been a while since I felt I had anything valuable or interesting to write about.
There's all the usual, interrupted sleep, a poorly baby with tonsillitis, trying to loose weight, running out of easy and nutritious dinner ideas - all these things that even typing them makes me feel incredibly bored and mediocre.
Then there are some fun/interesting things like some great gigs I've seen for work, been getting out on dates with an interesting chap, holidays fast approaching......

Then there is the MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT of going 24hrs without breast-feeding.  Wowzers do my boobs hurt and oh my goodness gracious me do I feel BAD for my baby!  He looks at me with those big eyes as if to say "WTF lady!  This is our thing, this is what we do, those breasts are mine and that milk is for me!  What do you mean NO!!!"  then he gives off a blood curdling scream and throws himself onto the floor/couch/bed/chair with all the dramatics of a love lorn thespian. Its sooooo freakin sad.  All I can do is say "I'm sorry darling, I can see that you are really angry and sad about this but thats just how it is now."  it has made me think, I guess that's what growing up teaches you, to let something go and reach out for what's next.  To morn what you are leaving behind and then look forward to what's around the corner.  It has made me think perhaps I should grow up too.  Perhaps I should let go of the idea of mad passionate romantic love and look towards the steady, settled, comfort of companionship instead.

OR Should I?