Hard Knock Life

Being sleep deprived is really hard.
Being a parent is relentless.
Toddlers are very demanding!

This too shall pass....... and all too bloody quickly by the look of all the kids I know!  Where have those babies gone?  Where has my baby gone?  He's all toddler now.

Marching around busy, busy, busy throwing this there and shoving that here and pulling that down there and pushing this up here and hiding this and that, here and there.

I'd definitely like the company, someone to observe him with me and laugh with pride at his busy achievements.  But then I'd have liked someone with me before his arrival too, to laugh with pride at my busy achievements!

Wanting a shoulder rub, a pat on the back and an encouraging thumbs up is only natural.

Being alone in it is sometimes lonely.  Its a feeling that comes and then passes.  Its a feeling that sometimes comes even when you're not alone.  Being exhausted and tired is often mistaken for loneliness. 

Blogger

I'm out of the blogging closet.  I feel a bit naked and tentative, but also a little brave and relieved.

Ladies

Browsing through my emails today looking for a contact - I re-read this email I sent to my girlfriends before going ahead with sperm donation.  I think it encapsulates where I was at and my mind set at the time.  I can now state categorically that it was/is/has been by far the greatest idea I've ever had, but for anyone wondering why do this?  I think the below sums up my reasons why.......


 Hi Ladies,

So I'm going to go ahead with the first step of sperm donation and after a chat with xxx last night thought it was important to reach out to my chicas. I know that by doing this I am contributing in some way to some of my not somflattering character perceptions; that whacky kir! Crazy woman went out andnbought a baby! But though this may be the perception and though I can be held accountable for being one of the biggest contributors to this perception it is crucial that I know, my people and my chicas actually understand it.

Incase I need to spell it out I am overwhelmingly sad and devastated that I haven't yet had the chance to try creating a baby out of love, I have always wanted the fairytale and still hope to one day get it. I am crushed not to be able to share every thought and nuance about the miracle of children with a partner in life. I'm gutted I don't even get to shag a lot in practise! I am also afraid about them finding more lumps and or loosing my cervix.

Having spent a long time crying about both of the above I found myself in a place where I could dry my eyes, be pro-active, empower myself and take responsibility or thrust myself into some half arsed and makeshift relationship to get my baby dreams fulfilled against the clock.  I believe the former would be more responsible, even if super scary!

If any of you believe that this is because I have lost hope or trust in the universe/god providing, I can only say I'm still full of hope  and the universe/god has provided, provided the technology for me to try having a child without a loveless relationship. ;-) I could wait and trust/hope that the right man is around the next corner and we will get to know each other/fall madly in love and decide to start a family very quickly but having been single for over 6 years now I don't think my ticking clock will contribute to finding a healthy relationship and one day the right man will hopefully understand my decision.

I understand if there is a feeling that this is somehow unatural or,manufactured. I'm sure I'll be the first making the jokes about my expensive baby, fedexed from american in a frozen straw but as usual my jokes mask my sadness. I too would have prefered that it was natural.

So I need you girls to know that, to know me and to know this was not an easy or desirable decision to make and wether you agree with it or not back me up ladies! I'll need you.

It may not work, it may be a disaster and it maybe that the world doesn't intend for me to have babies, but I'm most certainly going to try!

It will most certainly be hard, difficult, tiering, frightening, annoying, irritating, expensive, restrictive etc etc etc but I witness you with your kids and I know it will be equally beautiful, rewarding, magical, hilarious and amazing as well.

I hope I have your support but mostly I hope I have your understanding and respect.... God knows I'll need the back up!

Love you locas

Kir