Danger, Danger, High Voltage!

Sometimes it feel dangerous to be too alive, to feel so alive that your nerves zing and your senses are heightened. Everything feels possible and overexciting and almost too much for your heart to bare. This is where drinking, smoking, meaningless sex and drugs come into play. Wild abandon, giving in, loosing yourself in the moment, no restraint, no control, no containment. Throwing yourself down a slippery slope cause you are unable to express the extent of your heightened and enormous feelings. Like the feelings are too big to fit in your body and need to find a way out. This is where I advocate the artist, we all have one in us, the writer, the poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer, the need to express yourself without talking. This need is great - it certainly is for me anyway. I'm thinking maybe exercise comes into play here too actually...... One day I will have a room - a room I can lock from the inside and no one can see inside. In this room I will dance with wild abandon, I will punch the air and writhe on the floor and kick my legs up. I will sing to my hearts content to the music of my choosing. I will express myself through movement. This process will release me, will release tension, will release the zing in my nerves. One day I will have a partner, I will love him and he will love me and we will make love. We will kiss and fuck and hug and smooch and spoon and this too will release tension and calm the zing in my nerves.

Grumble Grumble

I've been avoiding this blog. Partly because we are so busy with our fun filled lives but also because I know what I have to write about. I'd best just say it and be done with it..... I did an interview with the Good Weekend about Sperm Donation. I was very excited to contribute to a positive and empowering piece on what is an important and worthy subject. It has thus far been the greatest thing I've ever done and my beautiful boy is a daily reminder of what a great path it was to follow. Its something I'm incredibly proud of and feel that there are many women out there who might benefit from hearing stories about the reality of it..... Alas I was a little disappointed in the piece and a little in myself too. I didn't find the piece as positive and inspiring as I'd hoped, I feel it stood with one foot either side of a thin line and didn't take a stance one way or the other, I feel it used quotes that were questionable or provocative when it should have used the quotes that were proud, decisive and strong. I came off best from all the other women interviewed frankly but I still feel it was a bit meh with a topic that simply isn't meh at all. I feel it further marginalised an already marginalised bunch and well, frankly I'd hoped for more. BUT as my sister rightly pointed out Australian journalism isn't all that at the best of times so what did I expect. My disappointment in myself stemmed from my failure to do right by us when push came to shove. At the out start of the interview I made it very clear that I would like to check the copy that related to me only, so that I could be assured that there were no quotes in there that could be mis interpreted or in any way mis represented by my little man once he's big enough to read. By the time the article was about to be released (almost 6 months later) I felt over excited and if I'm honest a bit afraid to ask the journalist if I could please check my copy as discussed prior. So I let it go to print without checking it and there is a sentence in there that could hurt his feelings when he's older. Although that same sentence is also available to read on this blog, its in context here where it isn't in context in the article. He is/was/will always be my priority and I'm peeved at myself for letting that one slip through to avoid hassle in the short term. I will have had many conversations with my bub about all these things as he grows so I know this little wrinkle will have been ironed out by the time he reads this blog or that article but I'm still a little disappointed. A good lesson learnt in both instances. In other news.... on the eve of his 2nd birthday mr man is a chatty, active, funny dude. A real boy and a little bit accident prone (a few too many bumps and bruises already!) as he masters this walking, running, jumping malarki! We're planning a long break together early next year to hang out with one another before he's off to pre-school. he fills me with joy joy joy every day. Love it!