Donor Me Up Gov!

Turns out its not all that easy to come across Australian sperm (don't I know it!) even in a sperm bank....

So its off to the land of the free, home of the brave where YES given enough demand there is an inevitable supply, a country based on the basic principles of economics and though there are many amongst you who sneer at its global, super power, steroid ego, I say long live America. Yes there was Bush but now there is Obama so all is forgiven from where I'm sitting, Hollywood, love it, McDonalds don't ever eat it but hell yeah I loved it! The country that brought you Converse and Levis, free love and Neil Young, the moving picture show and Brad Pitt, I say Hell Yeah. Bring IT!

Here, I'm aware that I can buy prized genes, a little extra and your baby's daddy has a doctorate degree. They are vetted and screened. This concept of vetting and screening everyone alludes me still I must admit, when I was young I dated guys who made me laugh and were good at kissing, I'm suddenly crossing people off my list for colour, creed, religion and HPV strains. Why? I'm bringing depression, diabetes and cancer to the fold, I'm quite sure thousands of us have for centuries, its just that now we all know about it. Anyhow I digress, so yes given the option of choosing the perfect sperm here goes.

Blood Tests - you're about to find out everything you didn't want to know about your insides. Ultra sounds. Are my tubes patent? Hysteroctomy's, colposcopy's can I have another speculum please!! After what seems like an interminable amount of time getting my lovely lady bits poked and prodded on a variety of different doctor beds I'm feeling sore and violated and I still haven't even been kissed let alone taken out for dinner.

Needless to say dating, romance and the ever elluding LOURVE I'm longing for is further out of my reach, I feel about as femenin and sexy as a 45 year old overweight builder from Pekham. Even if I was able to use my lady lumps to lure some chap into bed I wouldn’t be able to use the very organs god gave me as they’ve been prodded to death by a variety of doctors and nurses.

Part deux

Right so now I need to get on with having those kids, will need warm house, a womb with a view and oh yes a man. Now don't get me wrong, I love men, have always wanted one by my side to hold my hand laugh at my jokes, share the world with, snuggle up to and yes romance, ah romance, like many a girl before and after me, I'm a sucker for romance and my heart swells like a well aired balloon when I get to love and be loved in return. I really want to get me one of those. I'm even happy to fight with them, compromise, tolerate strange and foreign behaviors, entertain a plethora of relatives who aren't mine all for love and to make this life a shared one.

Sadly its pretty tricky to find one in your mid 30's - especially one that isn't an emotional hooligan who is ready to 'commit’. As a savvy old cabby said to me once, “why would we when today's women are all so ready to put out without us men putting in.” Apparently there's even a term for it now - Adultecentse. If you're 38 and still planted firmly on a bar stool nurturing your beer gut thinking "Hello Ladies, who's up for it tonight" then there's little hope of you being anywhere near adult, you are the new breed of adultescence.

Trying to find your other to love for all eternity on a time line is a little like trying to find a needle in a haystack before the egg timer goes off. Not easy, not to mention the fact you are approaching every guy as if they are some kind of medical specimen for your approval.  Second date questions like, “Is there a history of depression, diabetes or cancer in your family” are quite off putting I'm sure. 


So short of scouring online websites, which quite frankly is the most debilitating and  depressing thing I've ever had to do, or speed dating, which is equally depressing and made me feel like a lost dog at the RSPCA. They slap a number on your lapel and you spend 2 minutes thinking “pick me pick me even if I don't like anything about you for god sake let me not be rejected by another complete stranger!”. So short of these minefields what is the solution?

This is where l take a moment to reflect on the amount of wasted sperm in my lifetime, I'll even go further (which may well explain why I'm still single) to say wow, the amount I've wiped off my thigh, stomach and derrière ....... at a grand a pop how very decadent and wasteful of me!

Perhaps I'll ask a friend, I like to think I'm lucky enough to have lots of friends so yes I'll make a list of ones I can ask, right first things first no one who has a partner (thats just cruel) righto that leaves me with all the ones I would never date, they're not partner-less for nothing at that age you know! So I'll go for the younger ones, they're not partnered up yet, gen x has an altogether better approach to women I've found, a much less judgmental view of the world, many of them, after all are the product of divorced and single parent families themselves. Right my list is pretty thin now here goes............. 


Basically thats an enourmous ask, huge, too big, I mean for any of us it is. The question do you want children and are you ready to try for them is even massive for me, lets face it, despite wanting them for what feels like a lifetime its the biggest commitment and endevour you will ever make, much like that British ad campaign I am reminded at every turn that children aren't just for christmas you know. To go one further and say hey you mr twenty something - would you like kids, well it is a big ask and as it turns out too big an ask and I don't begrudge him for saying no, he was open minded, non-judgemental and sincere with me and it didn't turn our friendship, if anything the friendship was tested and passed with flying colours - I admire him hugely for being open enough to consider it.  I also asked an old friend who lives overseas and he couldn't bare the idea of not being involved on a daily basis with the child - so to him too I say good on you and thank you for considering it. 

Ok so we're still at square 1. Clock still thudding away new found carcnomas being held at bay, womb with a view getting ever shadier, eggs aging by the minute..... donor it is.

Just Hangin' Out

Priceless

Some women get dinner and a movie, some even get the luxury of an orgasm to boot! I get to lie legs akimbo in a sterilized hospital and then get slapped with a $4k bill. Needless to say I'm feeling rather sorry for myself. However, as I'm a glass half full kindda gal, I have to admit that although this has been the hardest decision of my life, the learning, support and laughter I've had along the way make me feel pretty blessed.

It all started from an abnormal pap smear (just lost my male audience there didn't I?) well actually it started before that when my cheating liar of a husband walked out on me at 32, just around the time we started talking about having a family. Though I love to blame him and take every opportunity do so, I have since done plenty of work on myself and have hopefully, proverbially moved on. In reality I simply loved him very much and wish he'd had the courage and desire to stay and fight for our relationship. My heart shattered and its taken a fair bit of time, discipline and glue to get back on track.... which is why I missed a pap smear or two. Anyway where was I, Oh yes, my abnormal pap smear (Ladies DON'T ever miss a pap smear).

Abnormal anything in doctor speak is scary, they throw big words around together with snippets like, in case, just to be sure and not to worry and then litter the conversation with Greek words like carcinoma (well come on, I may not be no oxford graduate but even I know what that means.... carpe diem before your diems cark it). It all seems to happen faster than you can swipe your medicare card and next thing you know you're on the operating table under full anasthetic having some charming doc burn, lascerate and chop bits out of you.

Once the fall outs over (boom boom) the pains gone, you no longer have to waddle cause you're not wearing a nappy anymore and you're back to nearly feeling human, your Dr tells you not to wait too long to start having children......

Really?

Wow!

7 years at medical school teach you that did it?

Cause I wouldn't have guessed that. No, no, its not like my biological clock hasn't been clobbering me about the head since I was in my late 20's! Its not been on my mind for the last decade. I haven't melted into a ball of cooing sweetness at every child I've passed, burped or held since I was a girl.

Thanks for that doc.

Sorry how much?

Do you take Mastercard.................... cause that was priceless!