Merry Christmas!

Sonny Moe you have filled my year with the most amounts of fun, laughter and warmth.  You are a really good kid.  You are kind and discerning and funny.  You are a quick learner and bright as a button.  Naturally I'm bias but a lot of other bias people agree with me so it must be true!
We've had a lot of fun together and you give the BEST cuddles.
Love you Cheeky Chops xx

MWA

Oh

.....I also read somewhere that the hardest thing about parenting is knowing when to say no and then sticking to it.......  couldn't agree more.

Still the beat goes on

Been a while since I felt I had anything valuable or interesting to write about.
There's all the usual, interrupted sleep, a poorly baby with tonsillitis, trying to loose weight, running out of easy and nutritious dinner ideas - all these things that even typing them makes me feel incredibly bored and mediocre.
Then there are some fun/interesting things like some great gigs I've seen for work, been getting out on dates with an interesting chap, holidays fast approaching......

Then there is the MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT of going 24hrs without breast-feeding.  Wowzers do my boobs hurt and oh my goodness gracious me do I feel BAD for my baby!  He looks at me with those big eyes as if to say "WTF lady!  This is our thing, this is what we do, those breasts are mine and that milk is for me!  What do you mean NO!!!"  then he gives off a blood curdling scream and throws himself onto the floor/couch/bed/chair with all the dramatics of a love lorn thespian. Its sooooo freakin sad.  All I can do is say "I'm sorry darling, I can see that you are really angry and sad about this but thats just how it is now."  it has made me think, I guess that's what growing up teaches you, to let something go and reach out for what's next.  To morn what you are leaving behind and then look forward to what's around the corner.  It has made me think perhaps I should grow up too.  Perhaps I should let go of the idea of mad passionate romantic love and look towards the steady, settled, comfort of companionship instead.

OR Should I?

Hard Knock Life

Being sleep deprived is really hard.
Being a parent is relentless.
Toddlers are very demanding!

This too shall pass....... and all too bloody quickly by the look of all the kids I know!  Where have those babies gone?  Where has my baby gone?  He's all toddler now.

Marching around busy, busy, busy throwing this there and shoving that here and pulling that down there and pushing this up here and hiding this and that, here and there.

I'd definitely like the company, someone to observe him with me and laugh with pride at his busy achievements.  But then I'd have liked someone with me before his arrival too, to laugh with pride at my busy achievements!

Wanting a shoulder rub, a pat on the back and an encouraging thumbs up is only natural.

Being alone in it is sometimes lonely.  Its a feeling that comes and then passes.  Its a feeling that sometimes comes even when you're not alone.  Being exhausted and tired is often mistaken for loneliness. 

Blogger

I'm out of the blogging closet.  I feel a bit naked and tentative, but also a little brave and relieved.

Ladies

Browsing through my emails today looking for a contact - I re-read this email I sent to my girlfriends before going ahead with sperm donation.  I think it encapsulates where I was at and my mind set at the time.  I can now state categorically that it was/is/has been by far the greatest idea I've ever had, but for anyone wondering why do this?  I think the below sums up my reasons why.......


 Hi Ladies,

So I'm going to go ahead with the first step of sperm donation and after a chat with xxx last night thought it was important to reach out to my chicas. I know that by doing this I am contributing in some way to some of my not somflattering character perceptions; that whacky kir! Crazy woman went out andnbought a baby! But though this may be the perception and though I can be held accountable for being one of the biggest contributors to this perception it is crucial that I know, my people and my chicas actually understand it.

Incase I need to spell it out I am overwhelmingly sad and devastated that I haven't yet had the chance to try creating a baby out of love, I have always wanted the fairytale and still hope to one day get it. I am crushed not to be able to share every thought and nuance about the miracle of children with a partner in life. I'm gutted I don't even get to shag a lot in practise! I am also afraid about them finding more lumps and or loosing my cervix.

Having spent a long time crying about both of the above I found myself in a place where I could dry my eyes, be pro-active, empower myself and take responsibility or thrust myself into some half arsed and makeshift relationship to get my baby dreams fulfilled against the clock.  I believe the former would be more responsible, even if super scary!

If any of you believe that this is because I have lost hope or trust in the universe/god providing, I can only say I'm still full of hope  and the universe/god has provided, provided the technology for me to try having a child without a loveless relationship. ;-) I could wait and trust/hope that the right man is around the next corner and we will get to know each other/fall madly in love and decide to start a family very quickly but having been single for over 6 years now I don't think my ticking clock will contribute to finding a healthy relationship and one day the right man will hopefully understand my decision.

I understand if there is a feeling that this is somehow unatural or,manufactured. I'm sure I'll be the first making the jokes about my expensive baby, fedexed from american in a frozen straw but as usual my jokes mask my sadness. I too would have prefered that it was natural.

So I need you girls to know that, to know me and to know this was not an easy or desirable decision to make and wether you agree with it or not back me up ladies! I'll need you.

It may not work, it may be a disaster and it maybe that the world doesn't intend for me to have babies, but I'm most certainly going to try!

It will most certainly be hard, difficult, tiering, frightening, annoying, irritating, expensive, restrictive etc etc etc but I witness you with your kids and I know it will be equally beautiful, rewarding, magical, hilarious and amazing as well.

I hope I have your support but mostly I hope I have your understanding and respect.... God knows I'll need the back up!

Love you locas

Kir

Fathers Day

It's fathers day this weekend here in Oz. We're like the US not the UK calendar wise.
I didn't have the presence of mind last year to notice it but now that Sonny actually sleeps for more than 2hrs in a row I'm aware that it's fathers day.

How will Fathers Days bode with us Sonny? Will we crash Uncle Bill or Uncle Aaron's parties? Will I tell your Childcare/pre-school teachers that you're still to make cards and craft gifts but for me? Aha, do I double up and get an extra mothers day? There's room to argue the justice in that...... But no, I think not. Do we save your Fathers day paraphernalia and one day hand it all to your biological father in a shoe box?

Perhaps by the time you're old enough to care there will be a father figure.

I think we'll take it one day at a time and talk about it together in age appropriate language when the moment arrives......

Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers out there including my own xx

Village People

I saw Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom and their beautiful baby today at a cafe here in Sydney. She's very tall.  He has a lovely smile. The baby's cute!

I had wondered why the service was so lax at this cafe and thought perhaps I didn't look like enough of a hipster to warrant good service and then once I spotted Orlando realized all the staff must have been  buzzing around their table with excitement  instead of taking our order.

Now I love a famous person as much as the next man, perhaps even a great deal more, not ashamed to admit it - the beautiful people fascinate me - I love trashy mags, I love popular culture and I LOVE the movies so famous people are all super cool to me...... but it got me thinking, as Orlando kissed the top of his babies head, that it can't be easy to do the whole new parent thing when your famous.

How do you join a parents group?  How do you start random chats in the park?  What about breast feeding in public places?  Or your kids first rigid tantrum as you try forcing them into the pram...... I shudder to think.....

They say it takes a village to raise a child, which I believe to be true. How hard is it for 'celebrities' to be a non invasive part of a village? For a start, which village?  They are always moving around! or maybe like celebrity rehab there's a village of famous new parents in all the 'hot' villages around the world.

Don't get me wrong. They're doing just dandy I'm sure and no doubt they have awesome family and friends who help out with all this kind of stuff - not to mention the hired help, but I'm just saying - maybe being a celebrity you miss out on the mediocre and the mundane, the awkward and the peculiar new parent stuff that is in fact ever so character building and rewarding.  Or better still, maybe as a celebrity you don't miss out on it - you just don't get the opportunity to go through it without some twit happy snapping your foibles on their iphone.

Doctor Doctor

I thought perhaps it was time I posted some links to help with some of the logistics of single parent fertility seeing as thats what my blog is meant to be about.

There are a number of clinics in Australia that do this kind of thing and its becoming more and more common thus easier and easier to find. I went through the great team @ Fertility East here in Sydney. http://www.fertilityeast.com.au/. They provide you with all the information you could possibly need as well as counseling and support groups.

This is where you can read the current legal jargon (naturally this is subject to change depending on government policy) http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/hospitals/phc/art.asp.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank my doctor, Dr Polly Peres who is sadly no longer practicing. She was almost entirely responsible for the whole event. She was ever so pro active about my wombs hospitality and helped me create a womb with a view boom! boom! She was also the one who removed my eggs, the docs at Fertility East inseminated them and then Dr Peres popped the right fertilized egg back. She impregnated me, and though it lacked romance, it certainly wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. Its thanks to her that Sonny is here today and I am forever in her debt for being so bloody terrific at her job. I hope that she knows how many lives she has brought into the world and how many lives she has improved because of it.

Walk Like an Egyptian

Yes you can walk! Perhaps not so much like an Egyptian but there is a mummified zombie stagger element to it at this early stage.

Being only 1 year, 2 months and 2 weeks old you won't understand the reference in this blog title so feast your eyes on this


Yes indeed - when your old Mum was only 13 this was a hit and I liked it! I preferred Manic Mondays by this same band but thats just me. I did Walk LIke an Egyptian on many a dancefloor during my youth and even well into my 30's.

You too can walk, like an wobbly mummy for now but soon with a hearty confidence then next thing you know there will be running, jumping and skipping. Here's hoping there aren't too many bumps.

Maybe one day you'll moonwalk! Imagine that! Both the real moon kind and the Michael Jackson kind!

Standing Sonny

Bubba - Look how much you've grown and how much of a dude you still are!
You make me laugh and smile and learn and grow and I feel ever so proud of us.
Sometimes you push all my buttons and make me grumpy! But thats not your fault, its just what sleep deprived people feel.
Soon I'll have to take the bull by the horns and deal with the whole crying sleep thing.
If its any consolation - it hurts me as much as it hurts you!

Love you angel, am ever so proud of you and love you to the moon and back
Mum xx

nearly 1

Sonny Moe is one on Thursday. How time flies when you're having fun.
Can't imagine a world without him in it.
He is a great person already, very funny, cheeky and gentle.
I love him ever so much.
I'm pretty proud to be his mum and glad we have made it all the way to 1 without any real problems.
Sure a few sleep issues and I've had to look at my own relationship with anger and control but thats been a positive step.
Otherwise a year full of love, learning and laughter - who could ask for more.

I never say it cause its hard to say - not so hard to type though so here goes. I need to thank 3 ladies in my life, with their assets and flaws, their pros and cons, their baggage and boosts, they are utterly invaluable to me in every way.  My eldest sister who has been my best friend my whole life and I am so freakin happy that she was standing over me watching Sonny arrive in the world.... she nearly wasn't and I'm ever so glad the Universe conspired to make sure she was.  My mum, she is an inspiration and a rock, she may oscillate between wobbly pebble and Mount Kilimanjaro but a rock none the less.  Last but not least my younger sister who I am only now having the pleasure of getting to know as an adult and enjoying every minute of it.  These three lovely ladies have had my back for the last 2 years or the last 37 years' more like it and I thank them from the bottom of my heart and love them ever so much.

Wow!

How cliche is it that I haven't written since I gave birth and my son's already 9 months old!

Have I been busy with motherhood? Yes I have!

So I'm not even going to begin to bore you with endless photos and running commentary on every new and fantastic thing I've witnessed and learnt thanks to my bundle of bouncing baby boy joy.

He is quite simply a total dude! A little legend and a marvelous miracle.

Is motherhood as challenging, tiring, stressful and mental as people say - yes!

Is being a parent as amazing, awe inspiring and magical as they say - shit yes!

Every emotion you've ever had, times a thousand, all at once, all the time. Its a fantastic ride.

Much more importantly though its a daily lesson - your heart, mind and soul swell daily with new insight, new understanding, new experience, new lessons, new perspective.

If you think how much a baby learns between birth and 6 months - sometimes it feels like you are learning at that rate too. Especially if like me, you are suddenly drawn to all the literature about child development. READER BEWARE!

I'm sure its good to read about it - just hard to be discerning and remember to TRUST your own instincts.

Thats what leads me to what I really wanted to say, what occurs to me as an absolute necessary ingredient of healthy parenting is being a healthy adult.

Being a healthy adult is hard! To be physically healthy and mentally healthy is hard work.

Being able to trust yourself, know yourself, own your shit, ask for help, have healthy self awareness and a healthy view of yourself as a person is hard but FUNDAMENTAL to being a good parent I think. Having healthy boundaries, not being afraid to make mistakes, owning your mistakes and apologizing for them when necessary - all tough stuff. To be where you're at and feel what you feel fully in the moment with presence of mind and awareness, to be mindful and considered - shish. Mostly to be very much your own best friend...... taxing to say the least.

I owe the most enormous debt of gratitude to my therapist - she has taught me more than I could have imagined, she has held my hand and guided me through some muddy water, she has stood by my side and supported me, watched me make my mistakes and help me get back on track, encouraged me to fulfill my potential and helped me learn to love me every day.

I am a better version of me thanks to the work we have done together.

I am becoming a healthy adult. Everyday I learn something new about being a parent - I most certainly don't always get it right but being open to the learning is the key.

I hope I can guide my child to be a fully realized individual with self esteem, self awareness and self love.

To know that he is loved, nurtured, valued and adored.
I can only hope to teach him all that he has already taught me.

9 months old already

Sonny Moe Stead