That's How Much.

I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to get to be a mum to this marvellous little boy. Just saying, I'm not taking it for granted. I love him so much my heart feels tight and swollen and on the verge of happy tears at least twice a day. You know that moment when you are in bed after a long day, you put down your book cause your eyes are getting heavy with the promise of sleep, you turn off the light and then turn over spreading yourself out across the bed (one of the upsides to being single - the whole bed). That moment when you realise the pillowed mattress, wool skin protector, 1000 thread count white cotton sheets and thick cosy softness of your goose feathered duvet and pillows were worth every single expensive penny your mother spent on them. That moment when your body feels heavy and your breath is slow and deep and sleep is about to engulf you. In that moment, instead of surrendering myself to the delicious lure of slumber, I'll thrust myself out of bed, kickstarting my whole body in one lurch, pad across the cold floor shivering to make sure my little one is warm enough, remove all objects so he doesn't have a train or giraffe digging into his side or face during the night and pull up the blanket that he'll inevitably kick off again seconds later....... You go back to bed but can't recapture that moment again, your hearts pumping too hard from the split second exertion, the pillows just aren't quite right so you toss and turn punching and puffing them, you tick through all the other things you should or could got done now that he's asleep, you've busied your mind and your body that aches for sleep can't get back to that blissful moment............ Thats how much you love them. Sure there are alternative solutions to this - forward thinking and careful planning would mean I didn't have to ruin this blissful moment by securing his sate of sleep before I'm in that moment but thats parenting for you. There's rarely enough space and time for forward thinking and careful planning. You're brain doesn't actually work at full capacity anymore for starters. You grab every second of downtime with careless abandon (collapsing on your bed the minute he's in his cot). Whats more you'll happily sacrifice a thousand great moments for the safety, security and comfort of your child.